Wednesday, February 25, 2009


I have really good excuses, I promise. Hormones, fatigue, chaos, remodeling, traveling, general busyness. And, I just haven't wanted to post what's been going on lately, mostly because I don't want to have to deal with it.

To recap, we are going to move, we are in the process of moving, 1/4 of "us" has already moved. To Houston. The one in Texas. After a two-and-half-month job search, D was offered a job as a controller with an engineering and manufacturing company that makes parts for oil wells. Houston was the only city that he had multiple interviews in and this was the only interview that led to an offer. Orlando is drying up and the Central Florida area has nothing to offer in regards to employment. And as I have frequently said lately, we kinda like to eat.

So, in a few weeks we will join D, who left this weekend and started work on Monday. I'm holding down the fort as best as possible, overseeing a master bath remodel (after nearly 4 years of ickiness, I'll get to enjoy it for two months), and getting the house ready for a sign in the yard.

Much of this is so overwhelming that I can't even process it. I'm best when I'm busy with my day-to-day activities, knowing all the while that everything that is my day-to-day will soon change. It still doesn't feel right. As we said good-bye to D on Saturday night, tears streaming down everyone's faces, the question of "Why, God?" was all I could think about. We'll be a 16 hour drive or a plane trip away from both sets of grandparents, uprooted from a church that is pretty much my entire world--worship, school, friends, service, study--and placed in a new town with new everything just as baby #3 prepares to arrive.

I struggle with disappointment over not being able to move to Charlotte, close to my family, and at the confusion of it all. With why others around me seem to be getting just what they want while I'm leaving with resignation and some resentment. Mostly, I struggle with why this is better for me, why this is part of God's plan, when I think that everything is really very good right now, and in fact, had just gotten really good, comfortable in a comforting kind of way. After nearly 12 years in Orlando, I feel like I've fit in, found my niche, found a place to be. I struggle with why God is taking us away when I feel like we've done "good things" in desiring to be close to parents and family, with taking on a leadership role with Women's Ministry and using my gifts, partnering with a church that loves our kids' hearts and minds.

Intellectually, I know it all. I can quote scripture and stories to myself all day long. But my heart is still hurting over it. This week, as we studied "Blessed are the meek," I was encouraged by a look at Psalm 37 which is full of the promises of God to those who trust in Him. One of the questions in the study asked us which promise meant the most to us right now. I chose verses 3-5 which took on new resonance in the context of our current circumstances:

"Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this."
The meek, the gentle, the humble, don't fret and worry or think they have to control everything. They trust in the One who takes care of His sheep and gives them safe pasture.