So I did manage about an hour of silence--no music, TV, talking--that afternoon. Just the voices in my head.
And the refrain from an old (well, the 90's) Susan Ashton song, "You don't have to suffer, suffer in silence." HA!
But I did listen to what my heart and head get a chance to say when there is no other input coming in. And that head talk can be frightening so it gave me a chance to think through why those were the thoughts that day and maybe, just maybe, deal with them a bit.
I've been trying to be better about not having to have something on, especially when I get a chance to pick what I want or I'm actually able to hear it over the chatterbox and the grunter.
But, ironically, R saw a pile of CD's out that I had been going through with a friend and insisted on playing her favorites. At least that includes Jill Phillips, Caedmon's, and, again, ironically, Sara Grove's Conversations.
That CD was the one that sold me on her voice and her lyrics and I hadn't listened to it in a while, having played her more recent material as she released them. Her honesty and vulnerability connect with me. If you ever get a chance to see her in concert (or watch the footage from the What I Know extras) you know that what you hear on a CD is her life. Her liner notes even reference what she was reading or inspired by that generated the songs. And the CD became the soundtrack to what I've been contemplating during this book study and preparation.
So, get the CD if you don't have it already (I also highly recommend Jill Phillips for the same reasons--beautiful voice, honest lyrics) and here's a sample of some of the lines that impacted me this week.
Conversations: "I don't claim to have found the truth, but I know it has found me. The only thing that isn't meaningless to me is Jesus Christ and the way he set me free. This is all that I have. This is all that I am.
Painting Pictures of Egypt: "It's not about losing faith, it's not about trust, it's all about comfortable when you move so much...I've been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacked. The future feels so hard and I want to go back. But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the thing I've learned, and those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned."
Hello Lord: Right now I don't hear so well and I was wondering if you could speak up. I know that you tore the veil so I could sit with you in person and hear what you're saying, but right now, I just can't hear you. I don't doubt your sovereignty, I doubt my own ability to hear what you're saying and to do the right thing, and I desperately want to do the right thing. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think you are telling me to wait, and though patience has never been mine, Lord I will wait to hear from you."
This Journey is My Own: When I stand before the Lord, I'll be standing alone. This journey is my own. Still I want man's advice, and I need man's approval. This journey is my own. So much of what I do is to make a good impression. This journey is my own. So much of what I say is to make myself look better. This journey is my own. Why would I want to live for man and pay the highest price? What would it mean to gain the world, only to lose my life?
How is It Between Us: "When I wake up I am on my way, reinventing the wheel and saving the day. I have learned this lesson a thousand time, I am the branch and you are the vine. Apart from you we are mice and men, with our fancy dreams of grandeur and no way to get there. Oh I can think about you now and then, or I can make a mark on eternity. Lord, first of all, how is it between you and me?"